Christmas Rants Number Two - TURKEY

I am not a vegetarian. I eat meat every day. I have no problem with vegetarians, but I also have no problem and feel no guilt about eating meat. So my problem with turkey is not a moral issue.

The problem I have with turkey is far far simpler. I don't like it. Not many people seem to. Yet, every year we all go out and buy a Turkey that is twice the size of anything we eat on any other Sunday of the year. Why? Is turkey available the rest of the year? Yes it is. Are chicken, beef, lamb, pork, duck etc available at Christmas? Yes they are. Is turkey some kind of delicacy that is a special 'treat' we can only afford once a year? Hell no.

And what makes matters worse, we do not confine our eating of this oversized dryer version of chicken to lunchtime on Christmas day. Oh no, the bastard thing is still hanging around a good few days later, by which time it has stretched to at least 3 further disappointing meals.

Thinking that there might be an ancient slightly quirky reason why we eat turkey at Christmas I did a quick google search on the subject, and the only reason I came across that was of any interest at all was that it goes back to the days of Henry VIII. (As most things seem to. Did ANYTHING ever happen before that??)
Apparently (and take this story with the biggest mound of salt you can find) everyone always ate goose at Christmas until the royal lard arse himself one day decided he would have turkey. And since then everyone started eating turkey at Christmas.

Seems very unlikely doesn't it? For a start, how would people know? Communication can't have been the best in the 1500s and it can hardly have been headline stuff even on a slow news day.
Also, we are talking about a fella who it is widely accepted rather enjoyed his food. Chances are he had already polished off a few geese, half a cow and several wild boar before he ate the turkey. If everyone copied his eating habits the population would surely have died out.
And lastly, why would people suddenly decide to change their eating habits just because he did? Goose is generally accepted to be (and is) much nicer. So why change to turkey just because the monarch does? If only it was the same today. All that we would need to do is leak to the press that the Queen actually enjoys a nice steak for Christmas dinner and the battle would be won.

And as a delightful bonus Bernard Matthews might be driven out of business. Bootiful!

Christmas Rants Number One - Snow

In the first of a series of Christmas related moans (which admittedly would have been better had I started it last Friday. Curse my laziness!) I have started with a long standing annoyance of mine. Yes, that white cold stuff which simpletons of Britain yearn for at this time of year. I am, of course, talking about SNOW.

Its the same every year. As soon as December is upon us we hear people cooing over the possibility that it will be 'a white Christmas'. People genuinely seem to want snow, and if we do get the dubious pleasure people seem to actually get excited by it. In a country obsessed with weather and with moaning about the weather does this not seem a little odd to anyone?

So the question is, why? Why do people like snow? Are these or are these not the same people who complain whenever it rains? Or moan about being cold in the winter? Or too hot in the summer? Newsflash to anyone who hasn't realised. Snow is frozen rain. If you hate rain why like something wetter, colder and which hangs around longer? It truly confuses me.

I have tried asking people but as soon as you mention snow to people you lose them. They leave reality and go into some Dickensian fantasy World where everyone is outside on snow cobbled streets, children are building snow men and street urchins are throwing snowballs at gentlemen in belted coats then running away chased by fat women with rolling pins.
The reality is needless to say very different. Trains don't run properly (when do they?), streets turn to grey sludge, roads are icy and....what's the other one again?....oh yes, ITS FUCKING COLD!

The met office have said there probably won't be snow this Christmas. Let us please just hope they are right and leave the dreaming to Bing. Celebrate the grey Christmas. Its not anyone goes out on Christmas anyway is it?

Rich men playing chess

For those of you, like myself, who like a good moan December is among the best months of the year. There is no much material. Mechanical santas, appalling television, shameless commercialism, C-list celebs turning on tired-looking provincial lights. All of which were candidates for my first blog entry in over a month (and to be fair will probably still appear sooner or later) but it is with great sadness that I feel I need to write about one of the great loves of my life - Football.

There are plenty of things that annoy me about football in a general sense, Manchester United for example, but what makes this post more depressing is that it concerns my beloved Liverpool.
This morning reading the sports news I was struck by the headline on the BBC 'Dubai government set for Reds bid'. I have feared this for a while, ever since that time a few years ago when it looked like the Thai Prime Minister was going to buy the club. Thankfully this didn't work out, and for a time Moores and Parry's globetrotting begging missions looked set to end in failure. However, this latest development looks worryingly real.

Now I have nothing against the guy personally but this is the latest in an increasing trend of Premiership clubs being controlled from abroad, by fabulously rich people who have little or no interest in football and are merely seeing it either as a fashion accessory or a business opportunity. If this comes off, which looks likely, we will see a situation where three of the top clubs in England are owned by foreign multi millionnaires and the other plays in a stadium named after a middle Eastern airline.

And with so much money involved where is the scope for the smaller clubs? Where are the chances of a kid kicking the ball around with his mates in the street making it as a pro when the club can go out and spend millions on a ready made superstar who will generate more fast money in shirt sales? It really will just become a case of lots of very rich men from different countries using our national game to get one over on each other.

And of course where on Earth will it all end? Football does not generate huge amounts of money, which is why most clubs run at a loss and the successful ones are the ones who can afford to write off these losses every season. But how long will these guys want to throw their money away before one decides enough is enough and pulls out?

Remember, when we were kids if one kid had something we all wanted one? Yes? Well, what always followed shortly afterwards is one kid would get bored and so would all the others, just as quickly. We threw them in the back of the cupboard and never bothered with them again. How long until Russian, American and Arab cupboards are full of unwanted Premiership football clubs?

Lazy lazy blogging

Isn't it just so so fucking annoying when people update blogs on a fairly regulatr basis and then just stop the updates and appear to give up on them?

November is my favourite month of the year. Nothing can annoy me in November.

December on the other hand.........................

Fancy looking stupid?

Last week I was invited to a fancy dress party. A Halloween fancy dress party. Obviously under normal circumstances this would be no problem. I would have lied and said I was busy, lied and said I was going and not shown up or gone but steadfastly refused to dress up. However, these were not normal circumstances. This involved my girlfriend's mates. And their fellas. No escape. I have no go.

So, I tried the option of not dressing up. Why is it whenever you try this you end up being faced with the weakest argument in existence? Something along the lines of 'well, everyone else will be dressing up so you will be the one who looks stupid'.
No. The fat guy dressed in a ripped t-shirt and painted green will look stupid. The office-joker on his day off, dressed as a woman and telling anyone who will listen that, hilariously, he has come as 'A Mummy' will look stupid. I will not.
Still, even faced with an argument of such weakness I still failed, got called a miserable bastard and was told I have to go and have to dress up.

So basically I have a week to find a Halloween costume. No ideas yet. But this did get me thinking. In terms of fancy dress parties (a crime in themselves) what is the bigger crime? A really shit costume or a really good one? Is it better to make an effort or to make it clear you have made no effort at all?

In my mind it is undoubtedly the latter. Going to these things is bad enough, but making too much of an effort is merely encouraging it to happen, it gives acceptance to something that should never be accepted. And especially with a format as tired as Halloween, where all the girls will just go as so-called 'Sexy Witches', and compete to look good, whereas the men will try to look as hideous as possible. Where's the fun there? Surely better to go along with the idea of fancy dress in the loosest possible sense (very obviously sellotape two bolts to each side of your neck for example, or wrap some Andrex around your normal everyday clothes). Then you have fulfilled all 'obligations' and can enjoy the party for what it ultimately is. A chance to get drunk with a load of people on the cheap on a Saturday night that coincides (loosely) with a Pagan festival that noone really knows much about.

1970s sitcoms

Not exactly a standard entry but something I was thinking about while I hoovering yesterday. I hate hoovering and its far too dull to write about so it qualifies.

I actually really like 1970s sitcoms. Even as a kid I was fascinated by them, and still watch them on UK Gold (exactly the same episodes of course) to this day. What does this suggest? That every TV programme made between 1980 and the present day simply isn't good enough? That true TV comedy genius died with Leonard Rossiter? Or that they are very very cheap to show and that they will always guarantee the nostalgic viewer?

One thing that is certain is that you don't see sitcoms like that now. Ones that have tried to follow the formula (dinnerladies, The Thin Blue Line) are needless to say a total embarrassment. Why is this? I am honestly at a loss.

All I can do is offer my 10 Golden Rules of 1970s sitcoms:

1. Try to get one of the following on board: Rossiter, Barker, Bryers, O'Sullivan, Jason. This might be tricky these days. Try to look for modern alternatives.
2. 'Accidently' lose a few episodes. This will come in handy in about 25 years when you want to generate some more interest.
3. If an actor leaves/dies between series, never speak of them again.
4. Make an extra long episode, call it a film and guarantee repeats at Christmas for evermore. If you really want to you can even make a sequel (see 'Steptoe and Son Ride Again'. Though don't actually 'see' it obviously)
5. Forget political correctness. Political correctness has ruined comedy.
6. Catchphrases. Thread carefully. Include them, for as many regular characters as possible, but they are only any good if they are not annoying. If used properly they can carry an episode.
7. Running jokes (see catchphrases). For a model of success see the farting chair in The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin.
8. Have a setting and stick to it, no matter how improbable. And don't spend too much money on it. Cardboard walls will do nicely!
9. When going for characters, think extreme. A stupid character here, a fatty there, a regional stereotype or two can only add to your sitcom
10. A jolly theme tune, preferably with words. Everyone knows the theme to Dad's Army and Hi De Hi. Noone knows the theme to Babes in The Wood or Chalk. Or any of the jokes.

Happy sitcom making!

Henry VIII has a lot to answer for - but he'd be the only one answering

No this is not a post about the rotund wedding cake loving monarch. I am talking about call centres.

I hate call centres. I was offered a job working in a call centre once, when I was 21 and looking for a job after leaving University. The job was working for the Woolwich. In those days I rarely had any contact with call centres but I knew I wanted no part of them. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at that point but I knew I didn't want to spend my life on the phone and I wanted nothing to do with the general public. I have never for one second regretted my decision. So, I speak of call centres from the 'outside'.

My latest experience of problems with call centres came earlier this year. I was having problems with my power provider (one based in the North of the UK). Basically they kept getting my 'Estimated' readings hopelessly wrong. However, when I called their 0845 number to tell them I would typically spend between 20 and (on one occasion) 90 minutes on hold. As a result I can no longer listen to Greensleeves without feeling physically sick.

So, after continuing this charade of attempted phonecalls daily for 2 weeks I received a letter telling me I had not paid. Well, clearly I have not paid. That is because IT IS WRONG! And apart from anything else I probably paid double the amount I was overcharged in listening to their premium rate jukebox. Is this their intention? I wouldn't like to say but I certainly said this and more to everyone I knew at the time.

Eventually I sent them an email. No response but at least the auto reply that came back didn't have a Greensleeves media file attached. 10 days later I sent another email. By this time remember I was complaining about the non-response to the email, the call centre and, by this time, the relatively unimportant matter of the wrong bill! After a while I recieved a phonecall saying that they would adjust the bill and give me £20 for my inconvenience. I suspect I have done badly out of this deal but I felt better. They had admitted that their call centre is terrible. A small victory but a victory nonetheless!

The funny thing is, given the nature of reports about call centres in recent times, is that this call centre is based in the UK, rather than India. If this is the standard of call centres based here then is there any wonder that the Indian alternative is more attractive (regardless of the obvious financial benefit to companies). Unfortunately I cannot comment on the competence of staff. You have to get through to them to do that.